I just had a shower and I got out and I started crying, I couldn’t help but face the mirror. I’m not a crier, this was rare. So I got out, I came to my room and started dying my hair blue. I don’t even know what I’ve done. I’m just having some sort of teenage rebellion it seems. And, now I’m going out with blue hair.

I’m getting high. I can’t handle being like this, I can’t handle it for much longer. I’m living in hell.

Can you guys please recommend some good blogs?

I need more on my dash!

By the way, I just ran over to the shop (it’s only down the road) and bought Dad his chips and chocolate and coke and I settled for the coke zero. Feels good. 

Anonymous asked: how do you compute for calories and how you burn them?

Usually I use my mini calorie book that I got from a secondhand book shop for $3. Otherwise I simply type it into google and get an amount for 100 grams then divide it (or multiply it) until I’m at the amount I’ve eaten. Packaged foods are even easier, with the amount on the back.

I do a lot of running, fast paced walking for long periods of time. I even run up the stairs for half an hour sometimes, anything to get my heart rate up. I also do a lot of abs work, there’s a workout which I’ve found on youtube that I do 3 times a day at the moment (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tDZRogSbbU&feature=youtube_gdata), though I wouldn’t say the last one is very easy!

Sorry I’ve been away

I went back to my other blog that’s less personal. But I’m back here. Back to tell you all about how I’ve been, what I’m planning. I told Labyrintho I wasn’t going to post my intakes, here is my warning to you all: I will be triggering because I am in a horrible, uncontrollable place. Please get the fuck out of this blog if you KNOW you are triggered or if this obsession with food is new to you.

So today I’ve eaten 120 calories worth of baked beans, I’ve drank 3 teas, one coke zero and eaten 3 grapes. No exercise yet. Yesterday I ate 210 calories of red licorice, burnt 500 calories then ate one slice of 230 calorie pizza. The days before these were between 800-1000 and I don’t really want to list them here. I’m fucking embarrassed. 

I know what the problem is, I know why I find myself back here. I’m smoking too much weed. It’s usually one or the other, I’m starving, I’m cutting or I’m smoking too much weed. For some reason, I am doing all three, all the time. I need to kick it off, I need to put all this stress into starving. Weed is not helping me, it’s making me fatter, out of control, I’m volatile without it. I know weed is bad for me. It’s time to let go. 

So it’s been two days and it’s all over my mind. It’s swimming around and popping its little head up every time I’m not occupied. I’m keeping busy, busy with intakes, plans, a new scrapbook, exercise yesterday, making tea, smoking cigarettes, I’m feeling okay. I’m getting there. Can’t wait for my run today!